Get comfortable with walking alone.
I don’t tell you this to discourage you. I tell you this because the idea of “community” and the lack thereof can actually make you feel more low, lonely and discouraged than ever.
The facade of “community”, what we’re told it is and what we imagine it to be – leaves us grasping for more. It leaves us with a hole that says “You’re not good enough” “You don’t belong here.” “This is not your place.”
So, we continue searching for community. For our place to belong. For our people. Because we’re told we need this in order to thrive and survive in this world.
Community is necessary – but the word itself and the idea is distorted. You need your people. But just like living a healthy lifestyle. For some, that means hitting the gym, heavy weights 6 days a week. For some, that means taking a 2-mile walk 3 days a week. For some that means keto. Or carb cycling. Or counting macros. Or vegan. Or intuitive eating. For some, it means drinking trading sodas for water. For some, it means switching to vaping from cigarettes.
You get my drift, right?
There is not a one-size-fits-all approach for a “healthy lifestyle”, so why would we assume this for “community?”
There’s my disclaimer.
When you learn to walk alone – you grow. You discover the power you possess and you no longer look to the outside world to complete you.
Square peg. Round hole.
For many years I looked for a place to belong. I met a lot of great people along the way. But I burdened them. I put an expectation on them that they never asked to carry. All because of my distorted idea and social media showed me what community was supposed to look like. But out here in the real world, I couldn’t find it.
I assumed I was the problem. Because everyone seemed to have this gift of community that I, somehow, can’t find.
Clearly, I’m the problem.
Clearly, you’re the problem.
You’re not the problem. The people whom you call “community” are leaving you unsatisfied and unfulfilled because you’ve either squeezed yourself into an environment with people you truly don’t mesh with (even if they’re super nice people). Or – there are pieces of you that need healing and you’re looking to those outside folks to provide healing for you.
You’ll be let down every time. Jumping. Aborting the mission. Just to jump into a new circle and still find yourself empty.
Learn to walk alone. I’m not talking about isolation or resentment. I’m talking about being alone. Learning yourself. Knowing your safe place and your dark place. Not being afraid of your dark places. Exploring and basking in the adventure of you. Know your patterns. When your thoughts switch from light and lovely thoughts to cynical, judgemental thoughts. Learn how to drag the bottom but also learn when it’s time to ask someone to reach in and help you.
You’ve been taught this lie that you need all this outside help to get you where you need to go. You’ve been taught to network to be seen. You’ve been taught to share your inner world, your deepest pains and regrets with others in hopes for what? Acceptance?
Look, here’s all the shit I’ve done. Do you still love me?
Is that what we’re doing here?
Give me a break.
Let’s start with – Look, me. Here’s all the shit I’ve done that you’re clearly aware of. Do you still love me? Do I still love me even though…?
Start there. Walking alone. Learning your inner voice. Your thoughts and opinions. How do you really feel when the group is not around?
Don’t worry about being alone forever. Once you find you, everything changes. Your people will find you. They will be drawn to you. And your relationships will be so much healthier. You won’t be chained to others and they won’t be chained to you. It will create a free-flowing relationship that exudes freedom. And grace. And love. Beyond what you could ever imagine.
You are who you’re looking for. Not community.
Community is necessary but you’ll get lost among a sea of confusion- tossed back and forth in their identity, fears, interests, upsets, passions, pains… if you don’t know your own first.
We need you to come out from hiding. Willing to stand alone – just as you are. Rescript the idea of community. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s your idea of community. You’re not broken. Your idea of community is broken. The expectations you put on others is broken. But you… you’re okay.
Wake up, sleeper.