Disease To Please

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I’m struggling. Bad. My disappointment in people is tearing my heart and soul out right now. However, I’ve never been able to remain a victim for long. I just don’t have time for it.

All my expectations and control – or lack thereof, tip me upside down forcing my head under water. I literally can’t breathe and the pain and tension of existing in this world is just too much.

So, I shut down. Pissed off at everyone and everything.
Then I feel this sweet poke in my spirit… that gentle reminder from God that I haven’t come to Him much with my struggle. I know I haven’t and honestly, I don’t want to.
Yet, He keeps loving on me. I notice myself pushing the love away, like I do with most people who try to love or help me.
And it’s in that place that He has my attention. There is more work to do. So much more healing to seek out. And I’m right where I need to be. Even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts.
So, I find myself where I tend to escape to when there is no safe place to run…the book store. A place where others can pour out. I can soak up their experiences and words of affirmation and not for a moment experience judgement.
They get me. These authors, they totally understand. These crazy creatives who pour their vulnerable life experiences out on paper for the world to see- yeah. Just what I need right now.
Then God’s sense of humor shows up. I know. Not Biblical at all… But He knows me and this is a total inside joke to a past season walking this journey with him.
No. I didn’t get this book. But it was definitely a reminder that God is in the details of healing the disease to please that I often struggle to overcome.
He is good, y’all. And He’s funny.

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