Yesterday I buried my face into my husband’s chest and cried like a baby due to a lie. It’s not one that strikes me very often or that I fall weak to very easily … but that sneaky devil tripped me.
“What is wrong with me? I’m not a nice girl. I’m too weird.” Were all things that I spoke out to my sweet husband. He held me and let me cry then looked me in my eye and said, “There is nothing wrong with you… and you’re nice. Everyone I ever see you with you’re nice to.”
Growing up I developed a false identity. That happens when you don’t have much direction or truth being spoken into your heart. I longed for close friendships. I tried everything I could to make friends but just couldn’t seem to get it right. So I became angry. I started running my mouth, talkin’ crap all the time. I became very critical of others. I figured I’d just push people away so I wouldn’t have to be hurt anymore … but the opposite happened.
People enjoyed the things I said. Girls were drawn to me because I didn’t care! I wasn’t scared either. Once I got into my first physical fight I experienced a high like none other. There was so much attention (positive in my eyes under a skewed identity) and people wanted to be friends with me. It’s like a became the protector and girls loved me to be around. I belonged. I was apart of a group. I fit.
My whole identity through middle school and high school was this rough chick who didn’t take any crap from anyone. I had friends but the relationships were toxic. Even if the girls were good for me – I would ultimately destroy the friendship. I was afraid of getting hurt so I would start a fight with a friend and then push her away. We would see-saw back and forth, friends – not friends, friends – not friends, until eventually one of us just gave up and moved on. It was very much an emotional roller coaster but I was the tough chick and I was in control. I would hate the girl SO MUCH by the time the friendship ended that I never had to feel any pain. … Until I got older and that identity fell from me.
The past 11 years walking through life with Jesus has been amazing. He gently revealed that false identity years ago and walked me through the process of repentance and forgiveness… forgiveness for others and especially for myself. I was able to take responsibility for my actions. I was able to reach out to those I hurt and apologize. I was able to let go of everything they ever did and take FULL responsibility. Some took it well and some did not. Very humbling. But it brought healing.
Everything changes after knowing Jesus. Sometimes there are layers and layers of rotten pieces in your heart that take years to remove. But God is fully able to complete the task of healing and restoring your heart.
The journey has not been easy. I have had really close people (at the time) throw the ‘mean girl’ card in my face from time to time. I tell ya. Sometimes those closest to you, who you’d never expect it from, are the ones who will hurt you the most. They will take your most vulnerable, inner pieces, smash them on the ground, and stomp them all while laughing in your face. It’s gut wrenching. That’s people though. That’s the risk of relationship… or the risk of REAL relationship. [Now, you don’t have to stay in those relationships if you’re constantly being hurt by someone who is supposed to be close to you but tends to rub your face in your weaknesses… um. That’s truly not friendship at all] …Nonetheless I still have shrapnel in my memories from once close relationships that went south. Some were restored and reconciled and some were not.
I had one close friend send a message to me, dumping me, and specifically telling me I was a ‘mean girl’ and she just couldn’t be friends with a ‘mean girl’. Daggers. That was quite some time ago – she probably was right… I was still walking through the process of having the layers peeled away.
The words that are spoken over us have so much power. The things that fight for our attention and say, “This is who you are and all you’ll ever be.” can be so loud and convincing at times! I’d love to tell you I never fall weak to the lies but I do. This particular lie is rare but when I do listen for just a moment and believe for just a moment – it’s like the whole rug comes out from under me and a ton of bricks get placed on me. The load is heavy because the lie is heavy when we listen to it.
Crying into my husbands chest made me feel helpless. I felt like a child again … that kid with the hurt of rejection piercing me all over. Completely undone, sobbing, and doubting who I was. I’m grateful for a husband who will let me sit in the moment. Who will let me feel. Who will let me get it all out so I can hear how ridiculous it all is! I process through talking so when things sit in my head for a long time it’s never a good thing! He loved me – not by trying to fix me or counteract how I felt but just by letting me be in the moment and then by speaking truth over me.
There truly is no darkness, just absence of light. I fell weak because I listened to the lie. I entertained the lie. It didn’t get me right away, the enemy found the perfect opportunity to the pull the rug away from under me. I have been busy. Work has been busy, projects have been busy, hubby is starting a new business, I hurt my ankle REALLY bad and have been sulking for a week, feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t let anyone in. I kept it to myself because it was all so silly and I didn’t want to bother anyone. Then at an opportune time, which is what the devil waits for, I was struck hard. There was absence of light because I’ve been handling things on my own this past week.
I can type this tonight because I’m of sound mind and it all seems so silly to me now but yesterday it was very real… or it seemed very real. The devil’s speciality is to make scary things appear real.
It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to fall weak. We’re human and it happens. God didn’t punish me because I got busy. God’s love for us is never determined by what we do or don’t do. We’ve got to stop blaming God for when things go wrong. We’ve got to stop feeling guilty and beating ourselves up when we’re not on our best Christian behavior. We fall weak. We are desperate for Jesus. Not because He’s desperate for us … but because we’re desperate for Him! He chooses us because he wants us, not because he needs us. That’s the beautiful thing about his love for us. Who are we that he would even be mindful of us?!? Yet he calls us friend. He laid down his life for us. Wow.
So girl, if you’ve listened to the lie and you’re struggling… go on and cry it out. Talk about it, write about it, process it however you need to – and then remember the truth. Then make a choice to believe the truth even if the lie feels more real right now. God’s word is truer than how you feel. Feelings are fleeting but God’s word remains.
You are loved dearly!